I feel like I’m an open book and people can learn from my experiences if I share them. That said, I have been living with Anxiety for almost a year now. And let me tell you, it’s not fun!
Living with Anxiety is like Living with Half a Brain at Times
It all started about 6 months post-divorce. No, I wasn’t having anxiety about the divorce at all. I knew that was the right thing to do so both parties could be happy.
However, over the summer I had to make a life-changing decision that sent me into a whirlwind of depression and anxiety. I made the decision to send me princess girl dog off to Rainbow Bridge. She was ridden with cancer and at her age, I just couldn’t fathom putting her through such an extreme surgery that wasn’t 100% guaranteed.
That decision rocked my world more than I’d ever know.
The Feeling of Hopelessness
The sadness of the princess’s passing not only affected me but my boy as well. We were empty and lost and did not know how to climb out.
I couldn’t get out of bed.
I couldn’t go to work.
My brain did not function.
Not only did I think of her loss, but it sent me into a panic mode of living single in a home at the age of 50.
Worries of finances cluttered my mind. I knew that shouldn’t but it did.
I had racked up some vet bills into the thousands from previous surgeries on my girl. How was I to pay it off?
What if something broke in my home? How was I to pay for it? Fix it? Who would fix it? Who would I call? I have no family to depend on and friends are a dime a dozen when it comes to really needing help it seems, especially since the divorce.
I devoted my life to a man who never appreciated me. I lost friends because my mother told me you marry and he is your life. I lived true to those words.
Apparently, those words were ones he didn’t know.
I felt hopeless and didn’t know how to help myself!
When You Hit Rock Bottom, It’s Time To Reach Out for Help
I knew I needed help.
I had to work! No work. No money. No home. No dogs. No life!
I contacted my doctor for an urgent appointment. I needed help fast but be careful of what you wish for.
My doc prescribed anti-depressants which made me feel like hell for about a week. I stopped taking them and contacted him for anti-anxiety meds. I wasn’t depressed. I was anxious! My brain wouldn’t shut down! I couldn’t sleep! I couldn’t eat! I was devastated!
Thankfully, the anti-anxiety meds eased my mind and I was able to get back to a new kind of “norm” for me.
However, like any medication, it’s not a cure. You have to change your lifestyle and find ways on how to deal with those manic, panic episodes that will still hit you when you least expect it.
Triggers Can Rock Your World
I feel I’ve come a long way. I’ve reset my mind to an extent. I’m learning to keep negativity out of my life, as well as, the news. Politics and negative news can be a major trigger for those who suffer from anxiety.
I’ve muted people on social media so I don’t see their unhappiness and rants.
I put my phone on DO NOT DISTURB at 7 pm every night and don’t touch it until morning.
Again, no news on tv or social media. Only the weather.
Recently, I came home from work and as usual, go to my mailbox.
You never know what kind of mail you’re going to find, especially post-divorce.
I saw an envelope from the United States District Court.
That will make your heart drop!
It’s a Jury Questionnaire. It instantly sent me into panic mode.
I knew it was Federal and Federal cases can be anywhere for any amount of time.
I am the sole breadwinner. I am single. Alone. And the sole caregiver to my dogs. I know many people don’t get it but when you have very little family, you’re basically on your own.
My boy dog is very antisocial. He has been that way all his life. He can’t help it. He is mentally challenged. He does not like people and cannot be kenneled. I have dealt with this for over 9 years so far. I am cool with it because I am all he has.
My girl dog is super-duper friendly and is no issue.
However, to be called to a jury, out-of-town, is just not going to happen for me!
I have no one to care for my pups, let alone the anxiety the letter alone inflicted on me is a major challenge!
So, triggers may pop up at any time and you have no idea how you are going to react!
I had a restless night and was late to work the next day. My brain was still kicking in high gear. I was made at the government for even sending someone who suffers from anxiety a letter like this!
I know this too shall pass, but again, living with anxiety is a major kick it the pants.
Half a Brain
No offense to anyone but if you deal with anxiety, you know what I mean
The triggers hit you and you know that you shouldn’t react and let them get to you but it’s unavoidable.
This is the “half a brain” syndrome
The rational part of your brain disappears when you are in anxiety or panic mode.
You cannot think rationally and to try to have someone talk you through it is basically a waste of time.
You need to find ways to work through it.
- Go outside and just scream
- Find a way to laugh at yourself
I rely on my dogs to help keep me grounded during these times.
The worse thing you want to do is to turn to alcohol, especially if you’re taking anti-anxiety meds.
Just sitting with my dogs and crying about the trigger or just talking to them can sometimes help ease the panic mode. Not always, but sometimes.
Regardless, living with anxiety is not fun. Living with someone who has anxiety can be very challenging because you don’t really understand what that person is going through.
Be STrong. Push Forward.
If you are someone who struggles with anxiety or has struggled, I want to hear from you. Whether it is ongoing or was a brief moment in your life.
How do you or did you survive the challenges?
Thank you for listening…………….